THE NEED TO RELATE

2/19/2026

My husband and I were out on our boat in Southern Illinois with guests we had invited for the weekend. It was the last evening and we were taking a sunset cruise. The wife of the couple, turned to me and said, “I get it now.”

Her simple statement implied that until that moment, she did NOT get it. I don’t know exactly what she did not get and then did get because I did not ask her.

What I do know, is that initially she did not relate to something. But then, based on an experience she had, she felt that she could relate.

This striving to relate - relatability - seems like such a human thing.

Where does this need come from and what happens when we don’t relate to something, someone or some idea that we think we should?

First off, my living has informed me that the need to relate comes from a deep desire for connection.

The thing is, relating and connecting are not the same thing at all. Relating requires that one fits in to some *idea.* This fitting in sets one up for inauthenticity - editing the Self in some way.

And so what happens when we strive to relate but we just can’t? One of two things, I have discovered … it’s either, 1) what’s wrong with them (blame), or, 2) what’s wrong with me (shame). Neither of these experiences feel good and in fact promulgate disconnection from Self.

Over time, however, a third experience has revealed itself to me. And that is this: that the need to relate simply resolves itself.

This resolving is an evolution. There are many choice points required, but, generally, as I have become more of who I am, the need to relate just isn’t a thing anymore. It has left me.

Connection starts when I and you and all can BE our whole Self. With no parts of Self hidden or tucked away or edited.

Ellen, you mean, that BEING MY WHOLE SELF is the connection I’m seeking?

Yes. Yes! That is what I am saying. xoxooxxoxo